- What Is A Jewish Marriage Contract
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Mazaltov.org is where marriage minded Jewish singles come to find true love. Our unique approach to creating a Jewish dating site has resulted in many success stories. We blend cutting-edge technology with our unique human touch, to create an online community like no other Jewish dating site. Read the rules of the Jewish dating game. Building a strong marriage relationship actually begins with a proper approach to dating. Inspired by millennia of tradition and guided by the eternal teachings of the Torah, Jewish communities have developed a unique pattern of courtship and dating. The process is goal-oriented, beautiful and respectful.
When you are dating a Jewish woman or dating a Jewish man, you should learn the basics regarding their beliefs. This helps you to determine if your values mesh well together. It is estimated that about 14 million people are Jewish throughout the world, according to the United Religions Initiative.
Level: Basic
- Judaism believes in the concept of soul mates, called bashert
- The primary purpose of marriage is love and companionship, not just childbearing
- A contract called a ketubah spells out terms of marriage and divorce
- Marriages between certain close relatives are prohibited
- Children born out of wedlock are not bastards in Jewish law
The Torah provides very little guidance with regard to the procedures of a marriage. The method of finding a spouse, the form of the wedding ceremony, and the nature of the marital relationship are all explained in the Talmud.
According to the Talmud, Rav Yehuda taught that 40 days before a male child is conceived, a voice from heaven announces whose daughter he is going to marry, literally a match made in heaven! In Yiddish, this perfect match is called 'bashert,' a word meaning fate or destiny. The word 'bashert' can be used to refer to any kind of fortuitous good match, such as finding the perfect job or the perfect house, but it is usually used to refer to one's soul mate. There are a number of statements in the Talmud that would seem to contradict the idea of bashert, most notably the many bits of advice on choosing a wife. Nevertheless, the idea has a strong hold within the Jewish community: look at any listing of Jewish personal ads and you're bound to find someone 'Looking for my bashert.'
Finding your bashert doesn't mean that your marriage will be trouble-free. Marriage, like everything worthwhile in life, requires dedication, effort and energy. Even when two people are meant for each other, it is possible for them to ruin their marriage. That is why Judaism allows divorce.
Although the first marriage is bashert, it is still possible to have a good and happy marriage with a second spouse. The Talmud teaches that G-d also arranges second marriages, and a man's second wife is chosen according to his merits.
How do you know if you have found your bashert? Should you hold off on marrying someone for fear that the person you want to marry might not be your bashert, and there might be a better match out there waiting for you? The traditional view is that you cannot know who your bashert is, but once you get married, the person you married is by definition your bashert, so you should not let concerns about finding your bashert discourage you from marrying someone.
And while we're on the subject of G-d arranging marriages, I should share this delightful midrash: it is said that a Roman woman asked a rabbi, 'if your G-d created the universe in six days, then what has he been doing with his time since then?' The rabbi said that G-d has been arranging marriages. The Roman woman scoffed at this, saying that arranging marriages was a simple task, but the rabbi assured her that arranging marriages properly is as difficult as parting the Red Sea. To prove the rabbi wrong, the Roman woman went home and took a thousand male slaves and a thousand female slaves and matched them up in marriages. The next day, the slaves appeared before her, one with a cracked skull, another with a broken leg, another with his eye gouged out, all asking to be released from their marriages. The woman went back to the rabbi and said, 'There is no god like your G-d, and your Torah is true.'
Mishnah Kiddushin 1:1 specifies that a woman is acquired (i.e., to be a wife) in three ways: through money, a contract, and sexual intercourse. Ordinarily, all three of these conditions are satisfied, although only one is necessary to effect a binding marriage.
Acquisition by money is normally satisfied by the wedding ring. It is important to note that although money is one way of 'acquiring' a wife, the woman is not being bought and sold like a piece of property or a slave. This is obvious from the fact that the amount of money involved is nominal (according to the Mishnah, a perutah, a copper coin of the lowest denomination, was sufficient). In addition, if the woman were being purchased like a piece of property, it would be possible for the husband to resell her, and clearly it is not. Rather, the wife's acceptance of the money is a symbolic way of demonstrating her acceptance of the husband, just like acceptance of the contract or the sexual intercourse.
To satisfy the requirements of acquisition by money, the ring must belong to the groom. It cannot be borrowed, although it can be a gift from a relative. It must be given to the wife irrevocably. In addition, the ring's value must be known to the wife, so that there can be no claim that the husband deceived her into marrying by misleading her as to its value.
What Is A Jewish Marriage Contract
In all cases, the Talmud specifies that a woman can be acquired only with her consent, and not without it. Kiddushin 2a-b.
As part of the wedding ceremony, the husband gives the wife a ketubah. The word 'Ketubah' comes from the root Kaf-Tav-Beit, meaning 'writing.' The ketubah is also called the marriage contract. The ketubah spells out the husband's obligations to the wife during marriage, conditions of inheritance upon his death, and obligations regarding the support of children of the marriage. It also provides for the wife's support in the event of divorce. There are standard conditions; however, additional conditions can be included by mutual agreement. Marriage agreements of this sort were commonplace in the ancient Semitic world.
The ketubah has much in common with prenuptial agreements, which are gaining popularity in the United States. In the U.S., such agreements were historically disfavored, because it was believed that planning for divorce would encourage divorce, and that people who considered the possibility of divorce shouldn't be marrying. Although one rabbi in the Talmud expresses a similar opinion, the majority maintained that a ketubah discouraged divorce, by serving as a constant reminder of the husband's substantial financial obligations if he divorced his wife.
The ketubah is often a beautiful work of calligraphy, framed and displayed in the home.
The process of marriage occurs in two distinct stages: kiddushin (commonly translated as betrothal) and nisuin (full-fledged marriage). Kiddushin occurs when the woman accepts the money, contract or sexual relations offered by the prospective husband. The word 'kiddushin' comes from the root Qof-Dalet-Shin, meaning 'sanctified.' It reflects the sanctity of the marital relation. However, the root word also connotes something that is set aside for a specific (sacred) purpose, and the ritual of kiddushin sets aside the woman to be the wife of a particular man and no other.
Kiddushin is far more binding than an engagement as we understand the term in modern English; in fact, Rambam speaks of a period of engagement before the kiddushin. Once kiddushin is complete, the woman is legally the wife of the man. The relationship created by kiddushin can only be dissolved by death or divorce. However, the spouses do not live together at the time of the kiddushin, and the mutual obligations created by the marital relationship do not take effect until the nisuin is complete.
The nisuin (from a word meaning 'elevation') completes the process of marriage. The husband brings the wife into his home and they begin their married life together.
In the past, the kiddushin and nisuin would routinely occur as much as a year apart. During that time, the husband would prepare a home for the new family. There was always a risk that during this long period of separation, the woman would discover that she wanted to marry another man, or the man would disappear, leaving the woman in the awkward state of being married but without a husband. Today, the two ceremonies are normally performed together.
Because marriage under Jewish law is essentially a private contractual agreement between a man and a woman, it does not require the presence of a rabbi or any other religious official. It is common, however, for rabbis to officiate, partly in imitation of the Christian practice and partly because the presence of a religious or civil official is required under United States civil law.
As you can see, it is very easy to make a marriage, so the rabbis instituted severe punishments (usually flogging and compelled divorce) where marriage was undertaken without proper planning and solemnity.
It is customary for the bride and groom not to see each other for a week preceding the wedding. On the Shabbat of that week, it is customary among Ashkenazic Jews for the groom to have an aliyah (the honor of reciting a blessing over the Torah reading). This aliyah is known as an ufruf. There are exuberant celebrations in the synagogue at this time. Throwing candy at the bride and groom to symbolize the sweetness of the event is common (Soft candy, of course! Usually Sunkist Fruit Gems, which are kosher).
Traditionally, the day before the wedding, both the bride and the groom fast.
Before the ceremony, the bride is veiled, in remembrance of the fact that Rebecca veiled her face when she was first brought to Isaac to be his wife.
The ceremony itself lasts 20-30 minutes, and consists of the kiddushin and the nisuin. For the kiddushin, the bride approaches and circles the groom. Two blessings are recited over wine: one the standard blessing over wine and the other regarding the commandments related to marriage. The man then places the ring on woman's finger and says 'Be sanctified (mekudeshet) to me with this ring in accordance with the law of Moses and Israel.'
After the kiddushin is complete, the ketubah is read aloud.
The nisuin then proceeds. The bride and groom stand beneath the chuppah, a canopy held up by four poles, symbolic of their dwelling together and of the husband's bringing the wife into his home. The importance of the chuppah is so great that the wedding ceremony is sometimes referred to as the chuppah. The bride and groom recite seven blessings (sheva brakhos) in the presence of a minyan (prayer quorum of 10 adult Jewish men). The essence of each of the seven blessings is:
- .. who has created everything for his glory
- .. who fashioned the Man
- .. who fashioned the Man in His image ..
- .. who gladdens Zion through her children
- .. who gladdens groom and bride
- .. who created joy and gladness .. who gladdens the groom with the bride
- and the standard prayer over wine.
The couple then drinks the wine.
The groom smashes a glass (or a small symbolic piece of glass) with his right foot, to symbolize the destruction of the Temple.
The couple then retires briefly to a completely private room, symbolic of the groom bringing the wife into his home.
This is followed by a festive meal, which is followed by a repetition of the sheva brakhos. Exuberant music and dancing traditionally accompany the ceremony and the reception.
You will rarely hear the traditional 'Here Comes the Bride' wedding march at a Jewish wedding. This song, more accurately known as the Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin, was written by antisemitic composer Richard Wagner. He was Hitler's favorite composer, and it is said that the Nazis used to broadcast Wagner's songs over the concentration camps. For this reason, Jews have been understandably reluctant to play his music at our weddings. Awareness of this historical tidbit is fading, though, as is that reluctance.
Marriage is vitally important in Judaism. Refraining from marriage is not considered holy, as it is in some other religions. On the contrary, it is considered unnatural. The Talmud says that an unmarried man is constantly thinking of sin. The Talmud tells of a rabbi who was introduced to a young unmarried rabbi. Apps better than grindr. The older rabbi told the younger one not to come into his presence again until he was married.
Marriage is not solely, or even primarily, for the purpose of procreation. Traditional sources recognize that companionship, love and intimacy are the primary purposes of marriage, noting that woman was created in Gen. 2:18 because 'it is not good for man to be alone,' rather than because she was necessary for procreation.
According to the Torah and the Talmud, a man was permitted to marry more than one wife, but a woman could not marry more than one man. Although polygyny was permitted, it was never common. The Talmud never mentions any rabbi with more than one wife. Around 1000 C.E., Ashkenazic Jewry banned polygyny because of pressure from the predominant Christian culture. It continued to be permitted for Sephardic Jews in Islamic lands for many years. To the present day, Yemenite and Ethiopian Jews continue to practice polygyny; however, the modern state of Israel allows only one wife. Those who move to Israel with more than one wife are permitted to remain married to all of the existing wives, but cannot marry additional ones.
A husband is responsible for providing his wife with food, clothing and sexual relations (Ex. 21:10), as well as anything else specified in the ketubah. Marital sexual relations are the woman's right, not the man's. A man cannot force his wife to engage in sexual relations with him, nor is he permitted to abuse his wife in any way (a practice routinely permitted in Western countries until quite recently).
A married woman retains ownership of any property she brought to the marriage, but the husband has the right to manage the property and to enjoy profits from the property.
The minimum age for marriage under Jewish law is 13 for boys, 12 for girls; however, the kiddushin can take place before that, and often did in medieval times. The Talmud recommends that a man marry at age 18, or somewhere between 16 and 24.
The Torah sets forth a laundry list of prohibited relations. Such marriages are never valid. A man cannot marry certain close blood relatives, the ex-wives of certain close blood relatives, a woman who has not been validly divorced from her previous husband, the daughter or granddaughter of his ex-wife, or the sister of his ex-wife during the ex-wife's life time. For a complete list, see 613 Mitzvot (Commandments).
The offspring of forbidden marriages are mamzerim (bastards, illegitimate), and subject to a variety of restrictions; however it is important to note that only the offspring of these incestuous or forbidden marriages are mamzerim. Children born out of wedlock are not mamzerim in Jewish law and bear no stigma, unless the marriage would have been prohibited for the reasons above. Children of a married man and a woman who is not his wife are not mamzerim (because the marriage between the parents would not have been prohibited), although children of a married woman and a man who is not her husband are mamzerim (because she could not have married him).
There are other classes of marriages that are not permitted, but that are valid if they occur and that do not make the children mamzerim. The marriage of minors, of a Jew to a non-Jew, and of a kohein to the prohibited classes of women discussed below fall into this category.
A kohein is not permitted to marry a divorcee, a convert, a promiscuous woman, a woman who is the offspring of a forbidden marriage to a kohein, or a woman who is the widow of a man who died childless but who has been released from the obligation to marry her husband's brother. A kohein who marries such a woman is disqualified from his duties as a kohein, as are all the offspring of that marriage.
© Copyright 5756-5780 (1996-2020), Tracey R Rich
If you appreciate the many years of work I have put into this site, show your appreciation by linking to this page, not copying it to your site.I can't correct my mistakes or add new material if it's on your site. Click Here for more details.
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Studies have shown that most Jewish people today would like to marry other Jews. Yet studies have also shown that most Jewish people today do not end up marrying other Jews!
What happens?
After many years of research in the field, Ive come to the conclusion that it boils down to one thing: many people see marrying another Jew as something 'nice.' They dont realize how important it is. Once they see it as important, they'll do a few easy things that will make it happen.
Jewish Dating And Marriage Services
So why is it important to marry other Jews? Obviously the ultimate reason is the Torah itself. The best way to stop intermarriage is to turn Jews on to Jewish ideas and life and visiting this site is a wonderful way to do it.
However, we also need to think short-term. With thousands of Jews marrying out of the faith each week, we need to explain why marrying other Jews is important for everyone, now, irrespective of Jewish knowledge and practice.
Researchers report that two-religion marriages have more tension and disagreements than comparable in-marriages. The causes for this tensions range from disagreements about which holidays to observe, which religious tradition to bring the kids up in, different embedded religious and cultural attitudes towards money and a host of other connected factors, and more. These 'time bombs,' lead to significantly higher divorce rates (sometimes twice as high!) and lower 'marital happiness' rates. With far fewer long-term problems to deal with, same-faith marriages have a much higher chance of being happy and successful than comparable intermarriages.
This is not surprising since practical issues can seriously affect a couple, despite their feelings for each other. Consider that, presumably, 99.99% of couples who get married are 'in love.' Yet most of these couples get divorced, often quickly. Proof enough that love is not enough to overcome practical obstacles. And in intermarriages, the practical obstacles are often insurmountable.
Children look to parents as their bedrock of love, support, and care. In intermarriages, children sense and see a lack of unity between parents and it often hurts them deeply. When asked which she liked better, Christmas or Chanukah, one little girl responded, 'Christmas but you promise you wont tell my daddy?' Think about it: what are the chances that this little girl will develop into a strong, self-confident young woman? It is not surprising that children of same-faith marriages are more likely to feel secure in their identities, and therefore exhibit higher self-esteem and confidence.
These two great dangers of intermarriage lack of happiness and problematic environment for children - have been proven consistently over time and happen to be true for all religious intermarriages, whether Hindu-Muslim, Catholic-Protestant, or Christian-Jewish. They also happen to be true even if the non-Jewish spouse agrees to raise the kids Jewish, as time and time again earlier agreements are put back on the table as people get older. Whatever they agreed to previously, within 4-5 years of marriage, people often realize that they also value the traditions they were brought up with. Then all the problems start.
In intermarriages involving one Jew and one non-Jew, the sad reality is that study after study confirms that the vast, vast majority of intermarried families, Jewishness simply doesnt last. Even amongst families where the kids are being raised as 'Jews only,' 79% celebrate Christmas in some form. Only 11% of the children of intermarriage would be 'very upset' if their kids did not regard themselves as Jews. Less than 10% of the children of intermarriage themselves marry Jews. When asked what one calls the grandchildren of intermarriage, Milton Himmelfarb is said to have answered, 'Christians.'
Of course there are exceptions. However, in the vast, vast majority of cases intermarriages are seriously affected by some or all of these three factors: in the vast majority of cases your happiness and your kids stability and self-confidence depend on you marrying someone from the same religious background. Furthermore, when one marries another Jewish person, the chances of a familys Jewishness lasting increase exponentially.
The nisuin then proceeds. The bride and groom stand beneath the chuppah, a canopy held up by four poles, symbolic of their dwelling together and of the husband's bringing the wife into his home. The importance of the chuppah is so great that the wedding ceremony is sometimes referred to as the chuppah. The bride and groom recite seven blessings (sheva brakhos) in the presence of a minyan (prayer quorum of 10 adult Jewish men). The essence of each of the seven blessings is:
- .. who has created everything for his glory
- .. who fashioned the Man
- .. who fashioned the Man in His image ..
- .. who gladdens Zion through her children
- .. who gladdens groom and bride
- .. who created joy and gladness .. who gladdens the groom with the bride
- and the standard prayer over wine.
The couple then drinks the wine.
The groom smashes a glass (or a small symbolic piece of glass) with his right foot, to symbolize the destruction of the Temple.
The couple then retires briefly to a completely private room, symbolic of the groom bringing the wife into his home.
This is followed by a festive meal, which is followed by a repetition of the sheva brakhos. Exuberant music and dancing traditionally accompany the ceremony and the reception.
You will rarely hear the traditional 'Here Comes the Bride' wedding march at a Jewish wedding. This song, more accurately known as the Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin, was written by antisemitic composer Richard Wagner. He was Hitler's favorite composer, and it is said that the Nazis used to broadcast Wagner's songs over the concentration camps. For this reason, Jews have been understandably reluctant to play his music at our weddings. Awareness of this historical tidbit is fading, though, as is that reluctance.
Marriage is vitally important in Judaism. Refraining from marriage is not considered holy, as it is in some other religions. On the contrary, it is considered unnatural. The Talmud says that an unmarried man is constantly thinking of sin. The Talmud tells of a rabbi who was introduced to a young unmarried rabbi. Apps better than grindr. The older rabbi told the younger one not to come into his presence again until he was married.
Marriage is not solely, or even primarily, for the purpose of procreation. Traditional sources recognize that companionship, love and intimacy are the primary purposes of marriage, noting that woman was created in Gen. 2:18 because 'it is not good for man to be alone,' rather than because she was necessary for procreation.
According to the Torah and the Talmud, a man was permitted to marry more than one wife, but a woman could not marry more than one man. Although polygyny was permitted, it was never common. The Talmud never mentions any rabbi with more than one wife. Around 1000 C.E., Ashkenazic Jewry banned polygyny because of pressure from the predominant Christian culture. It continued to be permitted for Sephardic Jews in Islamic lands for many years. To the present day, Yemenite and Ethiopian Jews continue to practice polygyny; however, the modern state of Israel allows only one wife. Those who move to Israel with more than one wife are permitted to remain married to all of the existing wives, but cannot marry additional ones.
A husband is responsible for providing his wife with food, clothing and sexual relations (Ex. 21:10), as well as anything else specified in the ketubah. Marital sexual relations are the woman's right, not the man's. A man cannot force his wife to engage in sexual relations with him, nor is he permitted to abuse his wife in any way (a practice routinely permitted in Western countries until quite recently).
A married woman retains ownership of any property she brought to the marriage, but the husband has the right to manage the property and to enjoy profits from the property.
The minimum age for marriage under Jewish law is 13 for boys, 12 for girls; however, the kiddushin can take place before that, and often did in medieval times. The Talmud recommends that a man marry at age 18, or somewhere between 16 and 24.
The Torah sets forth a laundry list of prohibited relations. Such marriages are never valid. A man cannot marry certain close blood relatives, the ex-wives of certain close blood relatives, a woman who has not been validly divorced from her previous husband, the daughter or granddaughter of his ex-wife, or the sister of his ex-wife during the ex-wife's life time. For a complete list, see 613 Mitzvot (Commandments).
The offspring of forbidden marriages are mamzerim (bastards, illegitimate), and subject to a variety of restrictions; however it is important to note that only the offspring of these incestuous or forbidden marriages are mamzerim. Children born out of wedlock are not mamzerim in Jewish law and bear no stigma, unless the marriage would have been prohibited for the reasons above. Children of a married man and a woman who is not his wife are not mamzerim (because the marriage between the parents would not have been prohibited), although children of a married woman and a man who is not her husband are mamzerim (because she could not have married him).
There are other classes of marriages that are not permitted, but that are valid if they occur and that do not make the children mamzerim. The marriage of minors, of a Jew to a non-Jew, and of a kohein to the prohibited classes of women discussed below fall into this category.
A kohein is not permitted to marry a divorcee, a convert, a promiscuous woman, a woman who is the offspring of a forbidden marriage to a kohein, or a woman who is the widow of a man who died childless but who has been released from the obligation to marry her husband's brother. A kohein who marries such a woman is disqualified from his duties as a kohein, as are all the offspring of that marriage.
© Copyright 5756-5780 (1996-2020), Tracey R Rich
If you appreciate the many years of work I have put into this site, show your appreciation by linking to this page, not copying it to your site.I can't correct my mistakes or add new material if it's on your site. Click Here for more details.
What's Nu? | Current Calendar | About
Studies have shown that most Jewish people today would like to marry other Jews. Yet studies have also shown that most Jewish people today do not end up marrying other Jews!
What happens?
After many years of research in the field, Ive come to the conclusion that it boils down to one thing: many people see marrying another Jew as something 'nice.' They dont realize how important it is. Once they see it as important, they'll do a few easy things that will make it happen.
Jewish Dating And Marriage Services
So why is it important to marry other Jews? Obviously the ultimate reason is the Torah itself. The best way to stop intermarriage is to turn Jews on to Jewish ideas and life and visiting this site is a wonderful way to do it.
However, we also need to think short-term. With thousands of Jews marrying out of the faith each week, we need to explain why marrying other Jews is important for everyone, now, irrespective of Jewish knowledge and practice.
Researchers report that two-religion marriages have more tension and disagreements than comparable in-marriages. The causes for this tensions range from disagreements about which holidays to observe, which religious tradition to bring the kids up in, different embedded religious and cultural attitudes towards money and a host of other connected factors, and more. These 'time bombs,' lead to significantly higher divorce rates (sometimes twice as high!) and lower 'marital happiness' rates. With far fewer long-term problems to deal with, same-faith marriages have a much higher chance of being happy and successful than comparable intermarriages.
This is not surprising since practical issues can seriously affect a couple, despite their feelings for each other. Consider that, presumably, 99.99% of couples who get married are 'in love.' Yet most of these couples get divorced, often quickly. Proof enough that love is not enough to overcome practical obstacles. And in intermarriages, the practical obstacles are often insurmountable.
Children look to parents as their bedrock of love, support, and care. In intermarriages, children sense and see a lack of unity between parents and it often hurts them deeply. When asked which she liked better, Christmas or Chanukah, one little girl responded, 'Christmas but you promise you wont tell my daddy?' Think about it: what are the chances that this little girl will develop into a strong, self-confident young woman? It is not surprising that children of same-faith marriages are more likely to feel secure in their identities, and therefore exhibit higher self-esteem and confidence.
These two great dangers of intermarriage lack of happiness and problematic environment for children - have been proven consistently over time and happen to be true for all religious intermarriages, whether Hindu-Muslim, Catholic-Protestant, or Christian-Jewish. They also happen to be true even if the non-Jewish spouse agrees to raise the kids Jewish, as time and time again earlier agreements are put back on the table as people get older. Whatever they agreed to previously, within 4-5 years of marriage, people often realize that they also value the traditions they were brought up with. Then all the problems start.
In intermarriages involving one Jew and one non-Jew, the sad reality is that study after study confirms that the vast, vast majority of intermarried families, Jewishness simply doesnt last. Even amongst families where the kids are being raised as 'Jews only,' 79% celebrate Christmas in some form. Only 11% of the children of intermarriage would be 'very upset' if their kids did not regard themselves as Jews. Less than 10% of the children of intermarriage themselves marry Jews. When asked what one calls the grandchildren of intermarriage, Milton Himmelfarb is said to have answered, 'Christians.'
Of course there are exceptions. However, in the vast, vast majority of cases intermarriages are seriously affected by some or all of these three factors: in the vast majority of cases your happiness and your kids stability and self-confidence depend on you marrying someone from the same religious background. Furthermore, when one marries another Jewish person, the chances of a familys Jewishness lasting increase exponentially.
For many people, especially in their late teens and early twenties, dating and marriage seem quite disconnected. It then seems quite reasonable to date non-Jews while still planning to marry Jewish in the end. 'I'll probably go out with many different people,' the person tells him or herself, 'I have no intention of getting married now. When I'm ready to settle down, I'll look for a nice Jewish person.'
Emotions are stronger than you think
Time and time again, the 'it's just a date' approach has proven itself to be shortsighted. What I will call 'interdating' (Jews dating non-Jews) leads to intermarriage in two ways. Firstly, as you may have guessed, you may end up marrying the person you are 'just dating' at the present time.
Consider the following statements:
'For the first six months I enjoyed going out with her, but had no serious intentions of getting involved'
'I didnt think it would become serious. At the time I was just going out and enjoying myself'
The quotes you just read are from real people, recounted in John Mayers book Jewish-Gentile Courtships. It was published in 1961, but the quotes could have been from any time or place. Simply put, we never know what will happen with a relationship. What can start out as an innocent summer romance might last much longer than expected and turn into a lifelong commitment. The first reason to date Jewish people is then clear you never know when youll fall in love.
It's all in the attitude
Jewish Single Dating Service
In order to understand the second reason to date Jewish people, let us shift our focus for a moment to the act of giving tzedakkah (charity). The great medieval Jewish sage known as Maimonides explained that it is better to give one dollar one hundred times than to give one hundred dollars all at one time. At first glance, this idea is surprising. After all, the same amount of money is being given. The explanation forms the basis for much of Jewish religious thought. External actions affect us internally. By giving charity one hundred times, we will slowly become more generous people. Giving once, even a lot of money, will not have the same effect.
I once tested it out. I kept a lot of small change on me and for a month whoever asked was given at least a small coin. At the beginning of the month, I felt quite proud of myself. Within a couple of weeks, it became normal - 'of course I'll try and help someone out,' I thought to myself, 'anyone would.' Then I spent the next month without giving a dime, no matter how pathetic and needy the person was. At first I felt guilty. Those feelings didn't last too long. By the end of the month, I resented every beggar I saw. 'Why don't they get a job? Why should my money go to them?' I thought to myself.
What a radical change in attitude! By doing something on a regular basis, it becomes part of you. If you neglect it, it becomes less and less a part of you.
The interdating attitude
Jewish Dating And Marriage Sites
Our subject is similar. Even if you are not presently ready to get married, if you want to marry Jewish, dating non-Jews is still a bad idea because the more you date non-Jews, the more the idea of intermarriage seems normal. Over the long-term priorities change.
Already in the 1971 National Jewish Population Survey, researchers discovered the important but often overlooked statistic that Jews who intermarried were about four times more likely to have dated non-Jews during their late adolescent period than were those who did not intermarry. It is reasonable to assume that most did not marry their high school sweethearts - they simply fell into patterns of dating.
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Jewish Dating And Marriage
Let us consider an example of how this change in attitudes can work. Consider a college freshman from the New York named Scott, with relatively strong Jewish feelings. He wants to marry someone Jewish, and is 90% convinced that he will. Nevertheless, he continues dating non-Jews in the meantime. It is hard to blame him for thinking that it probably won't do any harm - after all, he doesn't plan on getting married for a decade, or more.
But four years of interdating and deepening relationships will inevitably change his perspectives and the 90% marrying-Jewish conviction may only be 50% by senior year. Why? At this point in Scotts life the most profound relationships he has had have been with non-Jews. His models for relationships are non-Jewish models. Hes never had any religious problems with his non-Jewish partners. Even Scotts taste in members of the opposite sex has been subtly changed - non-Jewish habits and a non-Jewish look, if they exist, seem normal to him now, not any less familiar than people from the Jewish community that Scott grew up with. He doesnt even remember being convinced that marrying Jewish was so important.
Jewish Dating And Marriage Agencies
When Scott gets a job in a city with few single Jews whom he can socialize with, his marry-Jewish conviction drops even lower. He spends two more years getting more and more comfortable with colleagues' Christmas and Easter celebrations. His Jewish education, identity and feelings recede further and further into the background. Office romance has bloomed on more than one occasion and he finds that there is little that he doesnt have in common with the attractive person in question. By the time he is ready to get married, marrying Jewish seems unrealistic and unnecessary. He intermarries.
You are what you do
The more people date non-Jews, the more likely they are to marry out. Because even if they don't marry the person they are dating now, their own attitudes on the subject change with time. The idea of marrying a non-Jew becomes more and more acceptable at both a conscious and subconscious level, and what seemed very important to them ten years ago marrying someone Jewish has largely been forgotten.
This article was written by Doron Kornbluth, the author of the acclaimed Why Marry Jewish? Surprising Reasons for Jews to Marry Jews. More information is available at www.doronkornbluth.com
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